Friday, June 5, 2009

Realization of Reality.. FEEL THE BURN

June 5..... here I am... day 4 of my journey through HELL. See... I'm an alcoholic.. or I have 'issues' with alcohol.. yea, I LIKE it... Previous statements... if it has a W and INE after it, I'll drink it. JUST about true.... unless it's Two Buck Chuck and/or refrigerated RED. EWW.

I've been dancing with the thought that 'I have to do something about this' or 'I can't keep drinking like this' for some time now. Married 4 years... my 'habit' has gotten worse over the last year.... which isn't TOO surprising as my desire to numb Chapter One of Child No 2... meaning we started having visitation of a daughter my husband fathered at the beginning of our relationship. I knew it going in and decided to stay. Daughter No 1, 13 y/o is WONDERFUL and she and I are VERY close.

Readers Digest version of the last month:
May 16th, went to Marine World with dad and both girls... drank WAY too much and, I know how, scared my older step-daughter (we'll call her Hobo Joe). I drank again that Sunday, the 17th and then Monday told myself ... I just have to stop! Stayed sober for 10 days... had a work function where they served Sterling Cab.. GOOD wine so of course, I indulged... Friday night, we had In laws for dinner... Dad (M) is his own alcoholic in denial and has his usual 2 whiskey and cokes and then had brought his own bottle of wine for dinner... and have half it that. I didn't drink. I didn't drink any through Saturday but then Sunday knew there was two glasses of wine left in that bottle. I had one.. poured the other one out.

Tuesday, June 2... my very very first AA meeting. HARDEST Damn thing I've ever done compared to leaving my ex and his two kids in 1997... but I did it anyway. I went alone, I introduced myself and took the plunge. S_C_A_R_Y... but the BEST thing I could have done for me. Prior to this, I had added a friend on Face book that had already lived this nightmare and I reached out to him for support.. just in that I was having my own struggles. He suggested the AA Big Book (I have it now and have found an MP3 version as well) and to attend AA. With that push, I just told myself to get the hell up out of my chair at work and drive to the address on the sheet! I did! They were nice people... they gave me a phone list of all the women that attended.. women approached me afterwards and introduced themselves.. offered their support and directed me to another meeting that Tuesday afternoon called Women's Lifeline. I TOOK IT. So I went to two meetings on Tuesday and have been every day since. Granted that's just 2 more days but it's 2 MORE days than I've ever done before! Today, Friday.. I'm contemplated a Yoga class as Noon but have plans to attend a meeting tomorrow morning as well.

I got wrapped up in my thoughts on the way home last night... 'I didn't sign up for this shit.. why me... I'm not happy... but when it's not THAT hard NOT to drink.. I HATE being "THAT" person.. belonging to THAT group.. but ... it is what it is.

So, here I am... Technically... sober 4 days goin on 5. I can use all the support anyone can give so please feel free. I'm going to try and write daily... as I think that's therapeutic for me and lessons the burn of this journey.

Pray for me!

1 comment:

  1. Suz,
    You have made a great first step. Wow, I know this was hard for you, but I really admire you and your willingness to want to better yourself. Luckily, I have never had a drinking problem. I like beer and wine(I got into making my own beer and wine and it is great.) I may have a couple beers once a week when I grill out but that is about the extent of my drinking days. I feel too much like crap if I would drink a sixpack or two now. Life is never easy and it always presents challanges. The way we choose to face and handle these challenges make us who we are. Stay strong and know that you can do anything you try to do.\
    David (dg806)