Tuesday, August 25, 2009

7/23 email to friend.

I struggle with where I am in this journey… I have issues with alcohol but I’m being honest with where I think I am with it. I have difficulty with folks wanting me to be in a certain place that I’m not at yet… Will I ever be, to someone else’s satisfaction, no… to mine, I hope so. I feel something’s missing… there’s something that’s not connecting yet. I don’t think alcohol makes us selfish, I think we make us selfish.. I don’t necessarily buy into that alcoholism is a disease, I think there IS a choice involved which is I’m sure is contributing to where I’m at in the program. I understand that AA is about not being judged but when I don’t follow the flow of where other think maybe I should be… or what I should be doing, I feel judged. To hear that I should be working with someone OFTEN just makes me more discouraged to see someone out. Do I feel it’s because I think I can control it all? I don’t know.. I don’t have the answers.. just right now, the questions. If I could control it ALL, I wouldn’t be having this conversation in the first place. Mayleen was asking if I felt I was or felt I wasn’t an alcoholic. I hesitated because I don’t feel I’m NOT an alcoholic but I’m not convinced that I fit the mold. I think I need to get my head wrapped around MY GOD and MY CHALLENGE. Does where I am today or the fact that my past behavior brought me to AA, in and of itself make me an alcoholic… maybe… but I don’t know yet. It’s not clear, it’s not black and white (which I LIVE by) and it’s not definitive. How do I make a determination as to what I am when I keep hearing other people TELL me what I am when I haven’t even really determined that. Is it up to me, I doubt it… will I ever know.. I sure hope so. Lately, I’ve been asking for proof; support that there is a God. I’ve never doubted it before but with so many people being so passionate for God.. granted their own God.. which I don’t even know what that is… it’s taking so much of a religious undertone that it’s a turn off. I do feel I’ve moved away from the mark.. the mark of not drinking. I’ve allowed and been given permission to step back over the line.. is it a good idea.. I’ll tell you tomorrow. I’m having difficulty living in today.. not knowing the challenge with Melissa next week or the backlash of what happened last weekend.. that will pass but with that, it creates another obstacle that I want to move aside to again focus on me. I was very focused coming into this on June 1; but then things starting moving with Melissa and the kid. I’ve gotten involved.. I’ve let it get to me.. I’ve let it affect me physically… and negatively. Do I want it? I’ve chosen the path that I’ve taken… from day one. I made a choice to be here, to support my husband and to have a relationship with that little girl. Was it the right decision, I don’t know.. but it’s my decision. Just as my ex’s kids.. that little girl will also once tell me that she’s a better person for knowing me the years that I was involved. If she doesn’t.. I know it. Just knowing that Alannah felt and told me that she was grateful for having me in her life when she did and that the person she was today was because of me.. just validated entirely that my decisions then were the right ones.
I appreciate that you’re concerned about me and my place in all this. I know that the girls want to include me but I feel misplaced and uncomfortable… awkward and hypocritical that I’ve not giving up alcohol entirely… but at the same time, I feel I am being honest.. to me.. to you and to them. Admitting that I’m still in my 30 days is mine; I don’t know that I’ll ever get through the steps.. stop drinking entirely but I’m certainly a different person, wife, mother and person than I was 2 months ago.. and for that I am grateful as is my family.
I want to keep going… I would like to maybe find out when you go to the noon meetings as that will help my own progress. Having accountability and not working through lunch would be an awesome idea! Going to the meetings does make me want not to drink, not going, I don’t feel that I’m betraying anyone if I drink.
I think I’ll use this as the beginning of my online journal… I type so much faster than I write.
Does all this make any sense?? I’m praying a little.. just for proof that there is a God and how do I know when he’s present.. or even does anything for me. Asking for a good day doesn’t always happen, I’m just at a loss as to who, where and how… trying to find meditations and affirmations to guide me.. and right now with PMS it just makes it all come to a head and I get sad and want to cry. I just don’t know what it means yet and it’s frustrating. I am beginning to ask God to help me clarify but I’m not sure that I’ll even know when that happens.. or IF it happens.

(I took a break from this to make dinner… we’re now going to eat. Lets plan on dinner Friday night.. are you ok coming out here… I’ll cook? Let me know if you have any eating restrictions… I’m actually a good cook.. Sam thinks I should be on Hells Kitchen but that’s probably more because Pam CAN’T cook. Let me know if you’re doing a meeting tomorrow… but I should try and visit the meeting places around here too…)

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

email from 6/16

Yea, I thought it odd that an almost 6 year old would continually say she doesn't like her mom... and that hre mom is rude and mean to her. Kids are great when they pick their own clothes.. it's one of those things that all parents see little kids in their mismatched clothes and KNOW they dressed themselves! Melissa's just so threatened by me and our relationship with Maddie that she's just impossible to deal with. But, she doesn't have a choice! I'm not going to treat this little girl any different than Sam as that's just how I'm wired. I never had a biologicial clock ticking away for me so I never did have my own. I've also NEVER been pregnant (don't know many of those) and so I honestly don't know if I even COULD get pregnant.

I too am a thinker an anaylze most things... that's the paralegal in me.. black and white ... sometimes I take things TOO literally! I believe in fairness, talking, not holding other people hostage for what other people do to you and being accountable for what I do or say to contribute to a negative situation. I haven't always been this way with Melissa but when Dan found out she was pregnant, they were already broken up, so he was pissed about it and was terrified I'd leave becuase of it. She first said she didn't want him to have anything to do with the baby and then after she was born, Dan turned into a meal ticket. Once she was born, she gave her Dan's last name, hyphenated with hers, but Dan refused to sign the birth certificate. When I saw he was pissed, that's an understatement. When we met at the end of jUne, started dating in June, he told me they had broken up and he wsn't sleeping with her still. He also had a preplanned wedding in Hawaii in November that he contemplated for months weather he should take me and tell her she's not going; but she had paid her own way and .. well, he's not good at confrontation and didn't want to upset the apple cart. Bullshit I say but I chose to stay. I kept moving the line in the sand in saying if he didn't stop seeing her, I'd stop seeing him. I wasn't until the Hawaii trip that I decided that after my company Christmas party I was done. He broke it off with her a week before and then mid December, we found out she was pregnant. We've gone through this riggim roll for 6 years now.. and I just want all the negative shit to go away. But.. it's wont.. and we'll keep dealing with her. It's good that Maddie snaps back to a good child a little while after she gets to our house. We may not have her on Father's day as we're thinking about taking the jetskis and going camping. What are you two doing this weekend... is Sam going to see her dad? Once of these trips, we'll have you and Sam join us. The good thing is that Dan's not a drinker like we (were) are. He can take it or leave it so having no booze there wouldn't be an issue.

More from 6/15

I get along with Pam for the most part, we have our different opinions but I'm find sharing a meal with her or having her for dinner. Especially when things are going well with her hubby (another story) but I'd rather not be around her too much. We're very different... which Sam just embraces!

Melissa is a weak, frail controlling freak who's more interested in what Maddie can do for her (She's already gotten her in modeling) and how Maddie can fulfill her every need. We're not that way.. I've actually been able to explain to Maddie how to communicate with words and that she won't get in trouble if she just communicates with me. She's already said that she wishes I was her mommy and often says she doesn't like Melissa. it's odd. I think it stems from the fact that Melissa'a always telling her what to do and with then with modeling, she's picked up on that it's for Melissa really, and not fun for Maddie. Maddie can't even make a decision as to what she wants to wear at any given time. When asked, she always say "I don't know".

She's a sweet kid... as Dan puts it, she's really smitten with me. She certainly wants everything to do with me.. sit by her on the couch, she'll sleep on my side of the bed on the floor so she can hold my hand, eat next to her.. it's really cute. Dan's not really bonded yet to her but it's getting better. I'm more the boss in the house and I talk to her a lot and ask her to talk to me; she does.

emails from 6/15

We had Madeline this weekend.. her mother is such a bitch. When she called on Saturday night to interrogation of Maddie as to what she's had for dinner, where she's sleeping, I was joking around with Maddie at the same time telling her to tell her mom we're going to make her sleep in the car or in a box on the street etc. Maddie then hands me the phone and it's Melissa's friend and she starts with "I'm Melissa's best friend and I'm concerned." I hung up on her. There's history here... when Maddie was 1, I served Melissa with court papers for custody and visitation. In response, she filed for a temporary restrainng order against me and told the courts that I went there to steal her baby. Her restrating order was denied. Since then, we've been seeing Maddie every Saturday and FINALLY have overnights but only Sat. In another two weeks, we'll start having her on alternate weekends but I'll get the joy of going out to Patterson to pick her up since I'm in Pleasanton and Dan's in Castro Valley. A drive from CV to Patterson on a Friday night would take twice a long as my just going from here.
This weekend, Dan worked it out with her that she'd bring Maddie (usually recieving parent picks up) and he's bring her back on Sunday. She either didn't UNDERSTAND him saying 'I'll meet you at my parents" (we dont allow her to our house... whcih she thinks is JUST my house) and as Dan was gone Saturday morning after our morning coffee in the hottub... here comes Melissa with child in toe in MY DRIVEWAY. My anixety SHOT up and I started shaking. I was not emotionally expecting her nor PHYSICALLY.. I hadn't even combed my hair and just looked like a raggamuffin. You know, you want to look HOT when you see your husband's ex! So.. that was awful!! When I first told her that Dan was meeting her at his parents, she told Maddie to get back in the car and to get her suitcase. I said no, she can stay here, he'll come back down. She didn't seem to like that but Maddie did so she did it. Then, we went to the Livermore Rodeo for a short time after the sun finally came out. That was shortlived and then we watched movies and them mom has to call. We typically don't answer her calls since she's just trying to stir the pot and I think we'll go back to that. I even changed the ringer on the phone so we would know when it was her calling. Bottom line, we're not friends. She and Sams mom H A T E D each other and now Pam gives stuff to Maddie that comes from "auntie Pam".. certainly just to get under her skin! And I'm sure it works!

A few visits ago, Maddie was in our hot tub most of the afternoon and we had an awards show for Sam that night. We don't have a bathtub so I brought Maddie into the shower with me. She seemed to be fascinated with my boobs... i learned why later. Melisssa threatened to call Child Protective Services on my if I did it again. She's 5.. .she doesn't show our shower.. it was for creepy reasons that I showered with her.. she could totally burn herself of she turned the wrong faucet... so that was certainly a pain te ass too! Anyway. long story, short.. she's just a petty, controlling bitch. When Dan wanted the visits to go from 6 hours on Saturday (two of that being drive time) to overnights, Melissa refused. She asked the mediator to just extend it to 8 hours. They told her no and granted overnight. He's been asking for joint legal custody.. they were talking about grantint it, and she wanted it to be sole legal for the next 4 months (until next court date) for no apparent reason. They granted joint legal. She's just SOOO unreasonable and it gets to me MORE than it gets to Dan. She and Dan talked for about a half hour yesterday he said, and got honest about why they've done some of what they've done. I then sent her a note and apologized for interrupting her phone call and that since I just bought Maddie $150 worth of clothes etc for our house,she could say Thank You or have some gratitude once in a while. For Mothers Day, it was Dan's Saturday night the day before and she said she has plans and it was mothers day weekend. Now, he wants to take her Saturday Night before Fathers' Day and she's refusing. Just not fair!

Email from 6/12

I'm angry at a co-worker today... I brought my parrot in the day before and the day after I went on my three week cruise with my mom last April and the cage has still been in my cube. He's been giving me shit with his passive agressive bullshit that the cage smelled like poop and they were all going to get poisened and die. I responded with "good, then I wont have to work for you any more!" he's not my boss .. .just a lawyer that I work with... then he make another comment about it smelling like poop and I didn't notice becuase that's probably how my house smelled. I just said "like no one thinks your annoying!?" he went away. They just finished playing music offices and he won the coin toss to the bigger office. Now he's all cocky. He just SOOO wants to be the BIG CHEESE here! I have to let it go... i will. after today!

More from 6/11

Right now, we have Madeline every other Saturday but that will increase to every other weekend from Friday to Sunday starting the 26th of this month. Dan's ex got pregnant at the tail end of their relationship 6 years ago. I knew it.. he was dating her and me for about 3 months before I finally said I'm not doing this anymore. Two weeks after that, Melissa was pregnant. Shes an unreasonable bitch and we've only started really seeing Maddie last year. She does modeling and stuff... cute kid, takes after dad and Sam... but we're making it all work. No wonder I drank! I haven't decided entirely if I will never drink again but we'll see how long I'm on this path right now. I'd be nice to be able to have A glass of wine with friends... so long as we can stop at ONE!

About working out. I'm a Certified Fitness Trainer and have my CPR certification. I've been working out for EVER but you'd think I'd be smaller. I think wine contributed a lot to that so we'll see where it gets me over the next few weeks. I blew out my knee about 2 1/2 years ago and decided to finally get my certification as I had been talking about it for years. Usually, I do cardio and lift every week day and just do cardio on Saturdays. I've been doing this for YEARS. I most recently have been doing Jillian Michael's functional training work out. it's challanging tho since I have a 5 circiuts to do and every exercise is in a different place in the gym and I'm getting bored with it. It takes about an hour to do in total. I may just switch back to lifting for one body part a day 3/4/or 5 exercises for each body part. I lost about 15 pounds right before I met Dan but then I was having a protein shake for dinner and working ot for 2 hours every morning. I try and limit the workouts to an hour or so.. but 24 hour's SuperSport is going in right next to my office so I'm really excited about that! Kinda sickening but that's just me. I really enjoy all kinda of music, Jazz, country and rock.. and recently have been getting into the mediation music while in the hot sauna.

From 6/11/09 (these were emails to my new friend... just didn't post them here)

With the progress I've made, it's hugely powerful to know I'd have to admit that I had a drink... which I haven't ... haven't even WANTED to but I would LOVE to.. but won't. HA. I'd feel awful about dissappointing all these people.

We have daughter number 2 (that I haven't mentioned yet - different mom, there's a story there) Saturday until Sunday morning. Dan's supposed to start flying again so I'll start having more time on my own (oh no) but I can fill it with stuff to do.

Here's a picture of my cutie pie husband (he's so nice to look at) and Sam-a-roo..

AA-Anomymous? Folks addicted to AA lifestyle

From 6/11/09

Well, I like the AA meetings but not sure that I need to go 4+ times a week like a lot of these folks. I understand why they say 90 meetings in 90 days and I'm not saying I don't NEED that but I'm just not there... I don't have the time to go to an hour meeting everyday when I'm working out from 6:30 - 8:00 am every day, work from 9-6 and then cook for family and go to bed by 10:30. That's not to say I don't have time for ME, I do... it's the gym. I feel we have the ability to do two things in our life outside out family and one of them's work. I've chosen the other to be the gym. I know I like the Tues night and the Saturday one I found but the Saturday one is about the BigBook study and I'm not so much of a fan of that. It feels too much like Catechism. Remember Catechism or CCD?? EWW! I'll either incorporiate the Monday/Wed/Thurs or Friday in ... depends on the topic and how I'm feeling on those days. I don't really care for the step or book study but I'm sure I just don't see the value yet. I think it's great that this program is out there.. a gal said yesterday.. where would we be without this support structure! Just lost I suppose! I do, however, feel overwhelmed with the ladies that REALLY want to be my sponsor and some (the blonde, lisa, that sat on the other side of me yesterday) that call and just talk and talk and talk. I have complained in the past that I have time for two things outside my family.. and one of them is my job; the other is the gym. I don't really want my LIFE to just be all AA driven. A gal Tuesday night talked about how she would hide Vodka all over her house and in her baby stroller (that's not me) but now she's sober and still hangs out with all her drinking friends.. she just learned how to do it. That's what I want!

I'd love to find a mediation class or I know there's a yoga class in Pleasanton at Noon as well that I may try. I just need tools to deal with stress and don't want to ADD stress by feeling like I have to go to meetings EVERY day. We need to get from this program what we need from it. I know I'm not drinking.. I know how often I've been 'bad Suzie' as my husband likes to call it but I think I'm done with the pitty party of 'poor me I can't drink' and just deal with that. Anyway.. enough whining!

It's amazing how our seemingly young kids have been impacted when we thought they didn't even notice. Sam has noticed and mentioned that she sees I'm not .. and there's no wine around. That will help in the strength on the weak days to keep this motivation going! The meetings keep me close to the notion that I don't want to be out of control like most of these ladies have been. It's a lens into what COULD be and I'm not interested in hitting that kind of bottom! I find it empowering to talk at the meetings too but feel anxiety that my story or comments aren't really going to be significant or worthy but that's just insecurity .. coupled with I hate public speaking but but bottom line, it's good for me. It's out of my comfort zone and stretching into areas that we're not comfortable is good for us!

It feels successful to sitck to the plan!

From 6/9/09

We had one of Dan's pig friends over the weekend for dinner and he opened wine and it was fine not to have any. Last night, I had dinner with some old girlfriends from my old job and they all drank, I did not. It's seeming to be less and less of a big deal to me to have a drink. Especially knowing that my own MO is to stop and get a bottle of wine on the way home after being out with friends. I just need to find something else I care to drink that's not just loaded with sugar. In time...

Friday, June 5, 2009

Realization of Reality.. FEEL THE BURN

June 5..... here I am... day 4 of my journey through HELL. See... I'm an alcoholic.. or I have 'issues' with alcohol.. yea, I LIKE it... Previous statements... if it has a W and INE after it, I'll drink it. JUST about true.... unless it's Two Buck Chuck and/or refrigerated RED. EWW.

I've been dancing with the thought that 'I have to do something about this' or 'I can't keep drinking like this' for some time now. Married 4 years... my 'habit' has gotten worse over the last year.... which isn't TOO surprising as my desire to numb Chapter One of Child No 2... meaning we started having visitation of a daughter my husband fathered at the beginning of our relationship. I knew it going in and decided to stay. Daughter No 1, 13 y/o is WONDERFUL and she and I are VERY close.

Readers Digest version of the last month:
May 16th, went to Marine World with dad and both girls... drank WAY too much and, I know how, scared my older step-daughter (we'll call her Hobo Joe). I drank again that Sunday, the 17th and then Monday told myself ... I just have to stop! Stayed sober for 10 days... had a work function where they served Sterling Cab.. GOOD wine so of course, I indulged... Friday night, we had In laws for dinner... Dad (M) is his own alcoholic in denial and has his usual 2 whiskey and cokes and then had brought his own bottle of wine for dinner... and have half it that. I didn't drink. I didn't drink any through Saturday but then Sunday knew there was two glasses of wine left in that bottle. I had one.. poured the other one out.

Tuesday, June 2... my very very first AA meeting. HARDEST Damn thing I've ever done compared to leaving my ex and his two kids in 1997... but I did it anyway. I went alone, I introduced myself and took the plunge. S_C_A_R_Y... but the BEST thing I could have done for me. Prior to this, I had added a friend on Face book that had already lived this nightmare and I reached out to him for support.. just in that I was having my own struggles. He suggested the AA Big Book (I have it now and have found an MP3 version as well) and to attend AA. With that push, I just told myself to get the hell up out of my chair at work and drive to the address on the sheet! I did! They were nice people... they gave me a phone list of all the women that attended.. women approached me afterwards and introduced themselves.. offered their support and directed me to another meeting that Tuesday afternoon called Women's Lifeline. I TOOK IT. So I went to two meetings on Tuesday and have been every day since. Granted that's just 2 more days but it's 2 MORE days than I've ever done before! Today, Friday.. I'm contemplated a Yoga class as Noon but have plans to attend a meeting tomorrow morning as well.

I got wrapped up in my thoughts on the way home last night... 'I didn't sign up for this shit.. why me... I'm not happy... but when it's not THAT hard NOT to drink.. I HATE being "THAT" person.. belonging to THAT group.. but ... it is what it is.

So, here I am... Technically... sober 4 days goin on 5. I can use all the support anyone can give so please feel free. I'm going to try and write daily... as I think that's therapeutic for me and lessons the burn of this journey.

Pray for me!