Tuesday, August 25, 2009

7/23 email to friend.

I struggle with where I am in this journey… I have issues with alcohol but I’m being honest with where I think I am with it. I have difficulty with folks wanting me to be in a certain place that I’m not at yet… Will I ever be, to someone else’s satisfaction, no… to mine, I hope so. I feel something’s missing… there’s something that’s not connecting yet. I don’t think alcohol makes us selfish, I think we make us selfish.. I don’t necessarily buy into that alcoholism is a disease, I think there IS a choice involved which is I’m sure is contributing to where I’m at in the program. I understand that AA is about not being judged but when I don’t follow the flow of where other think maybe I should be… or what I should be doing, I feel judged. To hear that I should be working with someone OFTEN just makes me more discouraged to see someone out. Do I feel it’s because I think I can control it all? I don’t know.. I don’t have the answers.. just right now, the questions. If I could control it ALL, I wouldn’t be having this conversation in the first place. Mayleen was asking if I felt I was or felt I wasn’t an alcoholic. I hesitated because I don’t feel I’m NOT an alcoholic but I’m not convinced that I fit the mold. I think I need to get my head wrapped around MY GOD and MY CHALLENGE. Does where I am today or the fact that my past behavior brought me to AA, in and of itself make me an alcoholic… maybe… but I don’t know yet. It’s not clear, it’s not black and white (which I LIVE by) and it’s not definitive. How do I make a determination as to what I am when I keep hearing other people TELL me what I am when I haven’t even really determined that. Is it up to me, I doubt it… will I ever know.. I sure hope so. Lately, I’ve been asking for proof; support that there is a God. I’ve never doubted it before but with so many people being so passionate for God.. granted their own God.. which I don’t even know what that is… it’s taking so much of a religious undertone that it’s a turn off. I do feel I’ve moved away from the mark.. the mark of not drinking. I’ve allowed and been given permission to step back over the line.. is it a good idea.. I’ll tell you tomorrow. I’m having difficulty living in today.. not knowing the challenge with Melissa next week or the backlash of what happened last weekend.. that will pass but with that, it creates another obstacle that I want to move aside to again focus on me. I was very focused coming into this on June 1; but then things starting moving with Melissa and the kid. I’ve gotten involved.. I’ve let it get to me.. I’ve let it affect me physically… and negatively. Do I want it? I’ve chosen the path that I’ve taken… from day one. I made a choice to be here, to support my husband and to have a relationship with that little girl. Was it the right decision, I don’t know.. but it’s my decision. Just as my ex’s kids.. that little girl will also once tell me that she’s a better person for knowing me the years that I was involved. If she doesn’t.. I know it. Just knowing that Alannah felt and told me that she was grateful for having me in her life when she did and that the person she was today was because of me.. just validated entirely that my decisions then were the right ones.
I appreciate that you’re concerned about me and my place in all this. I know that the girls want to include me but I feel misplaced and uncomfortable… awkward and hypocritical that I’ve not giving up alcohol entirely… but at the same time, I feel I am being honest.. to me.. to you and to them. Admitting that I’m still in my 30 days is mine; I don’t know that I’ll ever get through the steps.. stop drinking entirely but I’m certainly a different person, wife, mother and person than I was 2 months ago.. and for that I am grateful as is my family.
I want to keep going… I would like to maybe find out when you go to the noon meetings as that will help my own progress. Having accountability and not working through lunch would be an awesome idea! Going to the meetings does make me want not to drink, not going, I don’t feel that I’m betraying anyone if I drink.
I think I’ll use this as the beginning of my online journal… I type so much faster than I write.
Does all this make any sense?? I’m praying a little.. just for proof that there is a God and how do I know when he’s present.. or even does anything for me. Asking for a good day doesn’t always happen, I’m just at a loss as to who, where and how… trying to find meditations and affirmations to guide me.. and right now with PMS it just makes it all come to a head and I get sad and want to cry. I just don’t know what it means yet and it’s frustrating. I am beginning to ask God to help me clarify but I’m not sure that I’ll even know when that happens.. or IF it happens.

(I took a break from this to make dinner… we’re now going to eat. Lets plan on dinner Friday night.. are you ok coming out here… I’ll cook? Let me know if you have any eating restrictions… I’m actually a good cook.. Sam thinks I should be on Hells Kitchen but that’s probably more because Pam CAN’T cook. Let me know if you’re doing a meeting tomorrow… but I should try and visit the meeting places around here too…)