OHH - I have to PUBLISH it.  :/

Jan 3 2015 - time to refresh this blog and stay connected/informed and to help my dear friend and any else that may be interested.

Baby steps, and one day truly, at a time.

This ust be operator error... I keep posting and it isn't updating!

THREE WORDS:  Progress NOT Perfection!

39 days until I turn 49

....and we're back!

April 25, 2012
Still married
Still drinking
Still searching
and now... trying to shrink my arse before I turn 29 for the 20th time!

Want to support my exercise, find me on Nike.com - Sosunni; I have been trying to walk more, God knows I can't run... and I was successful... doing a 5K every day for a week.. jUST about did it.  My shins really started to hurt.   Haven't determined if it's actually shin splints or just walking too fast (4mph usually)

I'm hoping to caputre my workouts here and some eating habits.  I can't seem to log my food to save my life!

4/24/12
5K at lunch time, 49:57; 650 Calories  10179 steps

4/25/12
Today at lunch... lifted for the first time in a probably 3 months:

Shoulders/Biceps

Milatary Press 3x15@15#
ss
Seated Bicep curls 3x15#15#

Rotator Cuff 'up' 3x15@10#
ss
Incline bicep curl 3x15@15#

Shrugs 3x10@40#
Standing DB curl 3x10@15#

Upright Row 2x10@30#
SS
BB  curl 3x5@30#

Bent over lateral raises 3x15@10#

89 days to go!

Keep track of recipes

Dry Rub for your favorite meat

This is a simple dry rub that you can use on any meat.  Dry rubs are great because they add flavor without the added calories!

This recipe makes a bunch so I just half it when I make it and put the rest in a airtight container.  I 've used it 3 times already on chicken breasts.  A bit spicy so reduce the amount of cayenne pepper if you don 't want too much kick!

INGREDIENTS

1/2 cup paprika

3 tbls. cayenne pepper

5 tbls. freshly ground black pepper

6 tbls. garlic powder

3 tbls. onion powder

6 tbls. salt

2 1/2 tbls. dried oregano

2 1/2 tbls. dried thyme

DIRECTIONS

In a medium bowl, combine the paprika, cayenne pepper, ground black pepper, garlic powder, onion powder, salt, oregano, and thyme.  Mix well, and store in a cool, dry place in an airtight container. Just rub into your choice of meat and grill

JOI'S NOTES

Recipe Source: Unknown (But likely an old gem from Joi's recipe box)

Did you like this recipe?

l Share On FaceBook

0

tweets

tweet

Share

Page 2 of 4 Dry Rub for your favorite meat - Free Weight Loss Recipes 6/23/2010 http://www.motivationtomove.com/tools/recipe/dry_rub_for_your_favorite_meat/

 
 

 
 

Examples of what to put in this section

• Recipes and menus you find on the Web
  
• Recipes you type into Microsoft Office OneNote 2007
  
• Links to online cooking discussion groups
  

 
 

Tips

• Create a new page for each recipe. As your collection grows over time, create a separate notebook with specific sections to organize all of your recipes.
  
• Copy information from a Web site into OneNote 2007 as text. If you use Windows Internet Explorer, look for the OneNote button in the toolbar. Select the information you want to copy and click this button to send the information to OneNote 2007 in the Unfiled Notes section.
  
• When you copy information from a Web browser and paste onto a page, a reference link is inserted on the page so you can always return to your source.
  
• When you need to find a recipe OneNote 2007, use the search feature (CTRL+F) . OneNote 2007 searches text, text within images, ink writing, and audio recordings.
  
• Want to share a recipe with someone else? Go to the page with the recipe you want to share. On the File menu, click E-mail or press CTRL+SHIFT+E to send recipes to other people. They will be able to read the e-mail message you send even if they don't have OneNote 2007.
  

7/23 email to friend.

I struggle with where I am in this journey… I have issues with alcohol but I’m being honest with where I think I am with it. I have difficulty with folks wanting me to be in a certain place that I’m not at yet… Will I ever be, to someone else’s satisfaction, no… to mine, I hope so. I feel something’s missing… there’s something that’s not connecting yet. I don’t think alcohol makes us selfish, I think we make us selfish.. I don’t necessarily buy into that alcoholism is a disease, I think there IS a choice involved which is I’m sure is contributing to where I’m at in the program. I understand that AA is about not being judged but when I don’t follow the flow of where other think maybe I should be… or what I should be doing, I feel judged. To hear that I should be working with someone OFTEN just makes me more discouraged to see someone out. Do I feel it’s because I think I can control it all? I don’t know.. I don’t have the answers.. just right now, the questions. If I could control it ALL, I wouldn’t be having this conversation in the first place. Mayleen was asking if I felt I was or felt I wasn’t an alcoholic. I hesitated because I don’t feel I’m NOT an alcoholic but I’m not convinced that I fit the mold. I think I need to get my head wrapped around MY GOD and MY CHALLENGE. Does where I am today or the fact that my past behavior brought me to AA, in and of itself make me an alcoholic… maybe… but I don’t know yet. It’s not clear, it’s not black and white (which I LIVE by) and it’s not definitive. How do I make a determination as to what I am when I keep hearing other people TELL me what I am when I haven’t even really determined that. Is it up to me, I doubt it… will I ever know.. I sure hope so. Lately, I’ve been asking for proof; support that there is a God. I’ve never doubted it before but with so many people being so passionate for God.. granted their own God.. which I don’t even know what that is… it’s taking so much of a religious undertone that it’s a turn off. I do feel I’ve moved away from the mark.. the mark of not drinking. I’ve allowed and been given permission to step back over the line.. is it a good idea.. I’ll tell you tomorrow. I’m having difficulty living in today.. not knowing the challenge with Melissa next week or the backlash of what happened last weekend.. that will pass but with that, it creates another obstacle that I want to move aside to again focus on me. I was very focused coming into this on June 1; but then things starting moving with Melissa and the kid. I’ve gotten involved.. I’ve let it get to me.. I’ve let it affect me physically… and negatively. Do I want it? I’ve chosen the path that I’ve taken… from day one. I made a choice to be here, to support my husband and to have a relationship with that little girl. Was it the right decision, I don’t know.. but it’s my decision. Just as my ex’s kids.. that little girl will also once tell me that she’s a better person for knowing me the years that I was involved. If she doesn’t.. I know it. Just knowing that Alannah felt and told me that she was grateful for having me in her life when she did and that the person she was today was because of me.. just validated entirely that my decisions then were the right ones.
I appreciate that you’re concerned about me and my place in all this. I know that the girls want to include me but I feel misplaced and uncomfortable… awkward and hypocritical that I’ve not giving up alcohol entirely… but at the same time, I feel I am being honest.. to me.. to you and to them. Admitting that I’m still in my 30 days is mine; I don’t know that I’ll ever get through the steps.. stop drinking entirely but I’m certainly a different person, wife, mother and person than I was 2 months ago.. and for that I am grateful as is my family.
I want to keep going… I would like to maybe find out when you go to the noon meetings as that will help my own progress. Having accountability and not working through lunch would be an awesome idea! Going to the meetings does make me want not to drink, not going, I don’t feel that I’m betraying anyone if I drink.
I think I’ll use this as the beginning of my online journal… I type so much faster than I write.
Does all this make any sense?? I’m praying a little.. just for proof that there is a God and how do I know when he’s present.. or even does anything for me. Asking for a good day doesn’t always happen, I’m just at a loss as to who, where and how… trying to find meditations and affirmations to guide me.. and right now with PMS it just makes it all come to a head and I get sad and want to cry. I just don’t know what it means yet and it’s frustrating. I am beginning to ask God to help me clarify but I’m not sure that I’ll even know when that happens.. or IF it happens.

(I took a break from this to make dinner… we’re now going to eat. Lets plan on dinner Friday night.. are you ok coming out here… I’ll cook? Let me know if you have any eating restrictions… I’m actually a good cook.. Sam thinks I should be on Hells Kitchen but that’s probably more because Pam CAN’T cook. Let me know if you’re doing a meeting tomorrow… but I should try and visit the meeting places around here too…)

email from 6/16

Yea, I thought it odd that an almost 6 year old would continually say she doesn't like her mom... and that hre mom is rude and mean to her. Kids are great when they pick their own clothes.. it's one of those things that all parents see little kids in their mismatched clothes and KNOW they dressed themselves! Melissa's just so threatened by me and our relationship with Maddie that she's just impossible to deal with. But, she doesn't have a choice! I'm not going to treat this little girl any different than Sam as that's just how I'm wired. I never had a biologicial clock ticking away for me so I never did have my own. I've also NEVER been pregnant (don't know many of those) and so I honestly don't know if I even COULD get pregnant.

I too am a thinker an anaylze most things... that's the paralegal in me.. black and white ... sometimes I take things TOO literally! I believe in fairness, talking, not holding other people hostage for what other people do to you and being accountable for what I do or say to contribute to a negative situation. I haven't always been this way with Melissa but when Dan found out she was pregnant, they were already broken up, so he was pissed about it and was terrified I'd leave becuase of it. She first said she didn't want him to have anything to do with the baby and then after she was born, Dan turned into a meal ticket. Once she was born, she gave her Dan's last name, hyphenated with hers, but Dan refused to sign the birth certificate. When I saw he was pissed, that's an understatement. When we met at the end of jUne, started dating in June, he told me they had broken up and he wsn't sleeping with her still. He also had a preplanned wedding in Hawaii in November that he contemplated for months weather he should take me and tell her she's not going; but she had paid her own way and .. well, he's not good at confrontation and didn't want to upset the apple cart. Bullshit I say but I chose to stay. I kept moving the line in the sand in saying if he didn't stop seeing her, I'd stop seeing him. I wasn't until the Hawaii trip that I decided that after my company Christmas party I was done. He broke it off with her a week before and then mid December, we found out she was pregnant. We've gone through this riggim roll for 6 years now.. and I just want all the negative shit to go away. But.. it's wont.. and we'll keep dealing with her. It's good that Maddie snaps back to a good child a little while after she gets to our house. We may not have her on Father's day as we're thinking about taking the jetskis and going camping. What are you two doing this weekend... is Sam going to see her dad? Once of these trips, we'll have you and Sam join us. The good thing is that Dan's not a drinker like we (were) are. He can take it or leave it so having no booze there wouldn't be an issue.

More from 6/15

I get along with Pam for the most part, we have our different opinions but I'm find sharing a meal with her or having her for dinner. Especially when things are going well with her hubby (another story) but I'd rather not be around her too much. We're very different... which Sam just embraces!

Melissa is a weak, frail controlling freak who's more interested in what Maddie can do for her (She's already gotten her in modeling) and how Maddie can fulfill her every need. We're not that way.. I've actually been able to explain to Maddie how to communicate with words and that she won't get in trouble if she just communicates with me. She's already said that she wishes I was her mommy and often says she doesn't like Melissa. it's odd. I think it stems from the fact that Melissa'a always telling her what to do and with then with modeling, she's picked up on that it's for Melissa really, and not fun for Maddie. Maddie can't even make a decision as to what she wants to wear at any given time. When asked, she always say "I don't know".

She's a sweet kid... as Dan puts it, she's really smitten with me. She certainly wants everything to do with me.. sit by her on the couch, she'll sleep on my side of the bed on the floor so she can hold my hand, eat next to her.. it's really cute. Dan's not really bonded yet to her but it's getting better. I'm more the boss in the house and I talk to her a lot and ask her to talk to me; she does.